What is it about mental illness that makes everyone think they are an expert?
I just read the following quote from Bijou Phillips about depression and antidepressants in Paper Magazine from February 2009 (a bit of old news, I know,)
“My grandparents didn’t take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a f—king pansy.”
Very few quotes in the media piss me off anymore because I’ve learned that to get angry at them is just a waste of my own mental reserves. But I made an exception for this one because this one really got to me.
I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for many years although I prefer to say I have a nervous disposition that’s prone to melancholia (it sounds much more Virgina Wolff that way.) And one of the things that I have learned over all of these years is that if you are willing to share such struggles with people, you better be prepared to handle their advice because everyone believes they are an expert.
I’ve heard them all — just walk a couple of miles a day, eat more vegetables, sleep more, sleep less, relax, get out there and do something. One of my personal favorites was to skip the hour long therapy session and just go stand outside in the sun for ten minutes.
When I decided to go on antidepressants for the first time, the advice often turned to criticism. All of a sudden people believed they understood my mental state more than I did. I was told that I was just being weak, that I was looking for an easy way out because I was too much of a wimp to fight my own battles, and I surely wasn’t a Christian because Christians don’t get depressed.
Luckily, I didn’t listen to those people, and I chose to get the help that the experts recommended, and while it sure hasn’t been a one way path, I have gotten significantly better.
A few years ago when I was researching antidepressant use and pregnancy, I came across a comment that said that depressed people don’t deserve to have a baby, and that it is selfish for depressed people to bring a child into their misery.
I write that now, years later, and it still takes my breath away; it feels like I have been punched in the gut every time I think about that careless response. See I don’t believe garbage like that. Well, the real me doesn’t believe garbage like that. But the me that comes out when I’m lost to a particularly strong bout of depression? I might not want to believe it but words like that can stick in my head for weeks on end, circling, creating a nightmare. See, words like that to a healthy and recovering person sound hurtful, ignorant, and mean spirited. Words like that to a depressed person can be fatal.
I don’t know how many of you readers have dealt with issues like these, but I can almost guarantee that you all know someone who has. When someone comes to you and tells you that they are dealing with depression, take it as an honor and a privilege. It’s not easy to share those feelings, and the person had to have trusted you deeply. But remember that there is a responsibility in hearing those words, and you have a choice. You can either be supportive and understanding and provide a listening ear, or you can spout off everything you have ever learned about depression in an effort to try to “fix” them. But remember that you can’t fix what is broken in them. That is for the professionals. Your job is to listen and to try to guide them to people who can help.
Depression and anxiety are scary things. They can take so much away from a person. I think it’s about time people start respecting them for what they are instead of trying to find quick, easy answers to complicated, largely chemical problems.
And because I can’t, in right conscience, discuss depression without directing people to a place to get help, I will tell you that you can get more information about depression and places to find treatment at Psych Central.
I love this piece. It isn’t something people should be quiet about. I grew up in a household of mental illness and I was always the “normal” one. Being normal was so important to me that when I started to fall down that long rabbit hole of anxiety after I got pregnant, I did nothing. I didn’t want to be like them. Then, I started following women on twitter with postpartum depression. Something clicked, and I got help. Help saved me. It saved my marriage. It saved me as a mother. As Jenny Lawson says, “Depression Lies” and people who don’t think so are drinking the koolaid.
You mentioned Jenny Larson and her ideas that “depression lies.” I actually viewed a vlog post from her where she talked about that, and it’s what gave me the courage to talk about it myself on my blog. I love her.
I think it’s hard to admit when something is wrong. I remember feeling broken when I first got the diagnosis of anxiety. Now, I realize that we are all broken, just in different ways.
Thank you for your comment!
Thanks for your article. It’s a complicated subject, isn’t it? I am being treated for depression, as well as dealing with a lot of anxiety. There are so many simple tasks that I really, REALLY struggle to do. I’m sure many would just think me silly. There’s also a lot of guilt that I’m not pulling my weight in this world. It’s interesting, if someone hears you’re on Disability, they feel free to ask what’s wrong, because there’s no personal attachment to a physical injury: something happened TO you from an outside source. But when you tell them it is “mental” illness, it can stop the conversation cold, “Oh!”, because the illness comes FROM you, so there’s this sense that it’s self-inflicted. On the one hand, if we spoke more about mental illness, it would help remove the stigma… but on the other hand, there is also often a lot of personal history & information attached that are very private in nature that people shouldn’t feel compelled to share.
As a whole, society can be very judgmental. We need more compassion for the suffering of others.
You point out just how complicated it can be. People can be so judgmental about things that they really don’t understand. And I completely get how hard it can be to do simple tasks. When things get difficult, it sometimes feel like I’m carrying around a two hundred pound weight on my back. It seems that much harder just to get up the energy to walk into the other room.
My thoughts are with you as you progress through treatment. I’ve been working with therapists for years, and I can personally attest to the fact that it does work. I usually needed medication as well as therapy. The combination did wonders for me. I think it’s part of why I’m able to write about it now. The shadows have lifted a bit (although surely not completely) so I can see things from a slightly different perspective.
I always try to look at what I’m gaining from experiences, especially the difficult ones. And you mentioned how society needs more compassion for others — that’s one thing that I took away from all of this — you simply can’t judge others unless you have been in their shoes.
Hang in there. I hope it’s soon that you are able to start to emerge out the other side.
I love this post! As someone who has suffered with mental illness for years I get so sick of people assuming I can just “get over it” without the help of medication. It just can’t happen for me.
I hate that people think those with depression should not have children. It’s just not a fair assumption. And it breaks my heart because I’m a good mom and I try so very hard.
I am sure you are a great mother! As with any challenges in life, I think it’s all about how we deal with it. I think our children can learn from us how to handle difficulties and trials. They will learn from us that it’s okay to ask for help (medicinal or otherwise.) I would much rather my children be raised with someone with depression than someone with the closed mind of the person who wrote that original comment all those years ago.
People love to be know-it-alls! I love the advice to skip therapy and opt for skin cancer instead.
that quote from the article was a bit disheartening. I struggle with anxiety and depression too, and some people don’t relaly get it. Oh well for them!
I almost didn’t share that quote because I didn’t want to upset others with it, but then I hoped it was SO extreme that maybe it would help people see that other people are just lost in their own bias. I agree that some people don’t get it. I think the best we can do is explain it to those who will (respectfully) listen and try to change attitudes one person at a time.
Thank you for sharing this – it takes a strong person to take a stand. I agree with you completely xo
Thank you so much for your kind words.
This resonates so much for me. I fight this fight against depression and anxiety pretty much constantly. I do find, like you, getting it out–talking or writing about it–helps me immensely. And hopefully, it helps to slowly bring it out of the shadows…one revelation at a time.
Thanks for this post 🙂
Writing about it does help me too. Otherwise, it tends to just escalate in my mind to out of control proportions. And I agree; I think the more people who talk/write about it, the easier it will be for those who come after.
As a counselor I am overjoyed to read something like this. One of the hardest parts of therapy is going to the first session & that’s largely due to the outdated stigma many still cling to. I find a lot of people stigmatize themselves. It’s so sad to see because there’s so much people can do now to get & stay better but they more often than not don’t do it. Thank you for sharing this and I hope more people step forward.
P.S.
Just think of the stigma a therapist with Depression and Anxiety has to face. Just a thought.
I agree that one of the hardest parts (possibly the hardest of all!) is that first step. I do think that people, for the most part, stigmatize themselves more than society does. It’s not pc to look down on depression, but people definitely still do.
I’ve actually wondered often about depression and therapists. I imagine it would be harder on the therapist, but I think it could benefit a patient if a therapist really understood where the patient was coming from. I would think it would increase empathy. Then again, it would probably be hard to talk to depressed people all day if the counselor was feeling the same way.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot.