I would like to take a moment (in haughty self-righteousness) to defend people who struggle with anxiety.
I’ve had anxiety since I can remember, and it’s frustrating. I usually realize that I am being a bit extreme with my worry, but really that does very little to take it away. But when other people blow me off because they say I am just being crazy, extreme, or annoying, that actually makes it worse. When someone tries to stop me from worrying by blowing off my worry, I then take it upon myself to prove to them why my worry is realistic. This usually leads nowhere good really fast. Just ask TJ.
This is all brought up because of this doctor I saw at the beginning of my pregnancy. I’ve dealt with many doctors before — family doctors, gastroenterologists, psychiatrists, endocrinologists, obgyns, and perinatologists. And I usually get along with all of them quite well. We have been with the same family doctor for about nine years, and I can’t say enough about him. I would gladly let the obgyn who delivered Magoo move in with us if she needed a place to stay because she was the kindest, sweetest lady I had met in a long time. Our perinatologists feel like grandpas to me.
And so you see that I really don’t think the problem is me. And I’m usually more than willing to admit when it is. All of these great doctors ask me if I have questions, I ask them if I do, and then we all go on our merry way. They know that I am well informed about what is going on, and they know my husband has a Masters in nursing, and they respect us enough to answer our questions clearly and concisely.
But then came Dr R. (I’d love to put her name out there for the whole world to see because I cannot stand her, but that just seems tacky and classless.) As I said, I saw her during my first trimester. I had expected to find a partner in my pregnancy journey, and instead I found someone who refused to listen to my concerns, put us through unnecessary tests, and nearly laughed at my questions. Her typical answer was along the lines of, “This is just your anxiety, so just trust me, you don’t need to worry.” And she would never answer any of my questions.
I guess I’m used to this behavior because people with anxiety are usually used to being treated like we’re crazy, but TJ isn’t used to it, so when he asked her questions, and he just “poo poo’d” him about how his wife seems to be a bit high strung, he got furious. He had to act professionally, but he was angry. I heard all about it after the phone call.
And then we went in for our bimonthly ob appointment, and we found out that our current obgyn is partnering with Dr R and a couple of other doctors on the weekends, so if I go into labor on Saturday or Sunday, I might end up with her.
And this really bothers me.
I am an intelligent, well-educated woman. I learn about what I am going through. If I have questions, I will ask them, and I will expect an answer. Think my questions are silly if you want, but don’t deny my right to have an answer. And don’t disrespect my intelligence.
I guess that’s what annoys me most about being an anxious person dealing with other people. Because I get when I’m being anxious. Sometimes my anxiety might cloud my judgment. But deep inside, I know the difference between clear headed thinking and anxious thinking. And I appreciate it if you treat me with dignity and respect regardless of which mode I am currently operating under.
Because the thing is that a person’s thinking and feelings are that person’s reality at the moment. Feelings can lead us wrong and thinking can be erroneous or clouded, but that doesn’t change anything for an anxious person at the time. A person can’t just turn off their anxiety just because someone else says so anymore than anyone else can.
And by the way, I think it takes quite a bit of intelligence to be able to concoct some of the anxious delusions I come up with. Seriously, some of those roads I go down are so winding and interconnected that the sharpest of people could easily get lost if they weren’t paying attention. If only I could direct all that brain power towards something good…