Each day at nap time, Goosie and I have a silly little ritual. She’s usually tired from protesting nap time, and I’m usually tired from countering those protests. We go upstairs, and I lay her on the floor and change her diaper. Then I zip up her jammies and I lean in super close to give her kisses and hugs. I tell her I love her, and she responds with something along the lines of “I love you, Poop” and then she’ll burst into a fit of giggles. Typical Goosie.
But as we were playing this silly game this afternoon, I realized just how closely I was looking at her. Our noses were touching. She was looking into my eyes with a devilish look of total glee. She was seeing me. Up close. And she loves me.
And I was seeing her. Snot running down her nose. Marker all over her face. Feet wet from stopping half way across the lawn to take off her shoes and walk barefoot in the snow. And I love her. Every sticky sometimes stinky little bit of her. Up close. All in.
And I started to think about how much time we spend keeping people at a distance. Not letting people get too close.
And it’s easier to love people that way. It’s easier to love people when they clean their homes and their bodies and their mouths and their hearts before we come into their presence. And it’s doable. We can all be lovable from a distance. We can all love from a distance.
But for most of us, only a select few get to see us up close in all our natural, unrefined, unhidden messiness. Only a select few get past the barriers and reside within the walls rather than just outside or even further still.
And when we love in that way… when we love up close… we know we have found the truth. We know we love for the very act of love rather than for the ways in which it can serve us. We know then that it is a love we can trust.
I look at my kids, and I see them happy and calm and dressed up. And I also see them at 3:00 in the morning, sweaty with fever, hysterical from fear, and covered head to toe in vomit. And I love them. Every inch. Up close. No more, no less. Dirty or clean. Happy or sad. Well behaved or pitching a fit. Love is love.
And they see me. When I’m hugging them. When I’m cuddling them. When we are having a new adventure. And they also see me when I’m tired. When I’m cranky. When I’m lost in my own mind. And they love me.
They love me without the makeup. Without the niceties. Up closer than nearly everyone else in this world will ever see.
They love me up close.
And sometimes that just takes my breath away. That me, someone who often feels untouchable, unworthy and unlovable is loved so utterly and so up close. It makes me rethink myself and our world and who I am and who I ought to be. In all the best ways.
So today, go out and find those who love you up close. Thank them. Love them. If you are like most of us, they are a refuge in a crowded and tired world.
Dare to love, and dare to allow yourself to be loved. Even up close. Especially up close.
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