Good morning, friends.
I don’t write in the morning. Ever. Because I do my best to never do anything in the morning besides the bare minimum.
I don’t like mornings.
But there has been something on my mind and heart lately, and I’ve been working for a couple of weeks to try to figure out how to approach it. And that issue is decorum. Particularly online decorum.
Twice over the last couple of months, I have found myself getting involved in online “debates” about issues. Both sides, thoroughly and adamantly convinced of the righteousness of their side, refused to give in for way too long. One of the conversations started out respectful and the other did not. But they both devolved, and I allowed myself to react out of my own anger. I spent the rest of both days seething.
For the longest time, I used to pride myself on how strictly I adhered to my policy of respect in all of my interactions online. I refused to be unkind even if the other party was. I refused to fall into name calling and disparagement. And I still do. But I left the kindness to the side during these last two times.
And all of this has made me stop and think. Why do people (like me!) feel the need to get involved in contentious debates online? Why do we get so very upset by them?
And I’ve come to two conclusions, and I think both of these are true for most people most of the time.
- We believe in the righteousness of our cause. We believe we are correct. We (correctly) believe that what happens in the world affects us all and that we are all responsible for what happens in our country in our name.
- We get a dopamine rush from these arguments. We feel like we are righteousness fighters, fighting for the little guy. We get a self-esteem boost by aligning our side with just causes. We feel more alive. We are overwhelming unaware of this because it masks itself as anger.
I’ve slowly started to realize that in many instances, I (and many others) will spend time debating issues with their facebook friends list without actually doing anything positive. We all know we will never change a mind, and yet we spend way too much time trying to do so.
And if you don’t engage in Facebook debates, I’m still speaking to you. Because I find that many other people will gossip about how crazy the world is. How we are still stuck in bad places or how we are moving too quickly into unknown territory.
And even if we don’t gossip about politics, how often do we sit back silently and lament the state of things, feeling a slight bit of contentment “knowing” we are on the right side?
How often do we complain about governors or lament the plight of the homeless around us or go on Facebook to complain time and time again about a dog that the locals believe is being mistreated. (That’s a local issue haha.)
Basically, how often do we wish for a better world and then go on with our day?
I always think of the Mother Teresa quote in which she says that best thing we can do to change the world is to go home and love our family. And then last night I came across a Barbara Bush quote that says, “Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not upon what happens in the White House but on what happens inside your house.”
And how very true is that.
How many of us complain about the decline of civility and character of those in power while we honk our horn at the people crossing the parking lot in front of us? How often do we speak unkindly to the customer service agent on the phone? How often do we speak unkindly or without patience to our children or our spouses or our neighbors?
And how often do we complain with our mouths without doing anything with our hands?
I am a very fervent and staunch believer in the power of words. I believe they change our world, on a grand level and on a personal level. I believe deeply that what we say matters.
But I also believe that sometimes we have to just do something. And at nearly any single moment in our lives we can.
Frustrated by incivility in public discourse? Go speak with kindness to your temper tantruming kid. Feeling down by the lack of resources for the poor? Find some food in your pantry to donate. Worrying about refugees or those stuck in war torn countries? Donate some money or offer up some sincere prayers.
At any moment we can do better.
My fear is that as a culture we have simultaneously started to demonize people different than us while we fall into apathy about our ability to change anything.
But we haven’t lost our ability to act.
No, we can’t change the world all at once for everyone. But what happens when you speak with respect to your child? She learns respect. And then she hopefully goes out into the world and pays that respect to others. They then feel the kindness and hopefully pass it forward.
What happens in Washington can’t change what happens in our hearts if we don’t let it, and it most certainly can’t change our character. Only we can do that.
So next time you are honestly upset about something going on in the world, don’t lament your lack of power. And please don’t go onto facebook and argue (or even commiserate) with friends or strangers about it. Go out into the world, the real world, and love someone more deeply. Hold yourself to a higher standard, the highest standard. And believe that the lessons you present to the world can change more lives for the better than you may have ever realized.
And in the end realize that who or what you vote for matters. But the choices you make every day are the ones that matter the most. And then look at your neighbor and remember that the same is true about them.
Go out and love the world. Heal the world. Feed the world. Respect the world. And you’ll find that it will become a better world because of it.