What Not To Say To a Depressed Person

Okay, first two disclaimers.

A) This post is about depression.  If you are suffering or have suffered from depression and you believe reading this article will make it worse, please do not read this.  Trust me, nothing I ever write is worth messing with your recovery.

B) I am not currently either moderately or severely depressed, so if you know me personally, please do not worry that I’m currently depressed.  I’m not.

There is one thing all people seem to think they know a lot about.  And that is depression.  I think, perhaps, it’s because as a culture, we tend to throw around the word carelessly.  “I am so depressed that my favorite show was cancelled.”  And I also think it’s because depression is fairly common.  On one spectrum, there is mild or situational depression, and on the other there is severe, chronic, recurring depression.  Sometimes people are unable to understand the canyon between the two extremes in terms of symptoms, treatments, and perspectives.

Of course, depression is in the headlines because of Robin Williams’ recent tragedy, and as such, there are plenty of opinions in the comment sections of popular publications with people extolling their favorite depression salve as if depression is an easy thing to overcome.  The problem isn’t that these comments are out there.  The problem is that depressed people will read them.  And they can do serious, overwhelming harm.

So here it is, my list of things not to say to a depressed person and by extension, not to post in the comment section of any online publication.

1.  Seek God.  Pray.  If you just ask for healing, God will provide it.  Seek God.  That is awesome advice.  In any situation.  Of course, we should always be seeking God.  But to tell a depressed person to seek God implies that they are not currently doing that.  It implies their faith is lacking.  It implies their faith is faulty.   And this leads to just another reason for the depressed person to blame themselves.

The thing is that God can help.  In any situation.  But it’s often by leading us to solutions rather than by extreme Divine intervention.  We wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to just seek God and they will be healed.  We might suggest they pray for healing while continuing chemotherapy.

Go ahead and recommend prayer, but please don’t assume that this advice is enough.  If a person is seriously depressed, God often works best through the help of people trained to help in these situations.

And then go ahead and pray yourself.  Pray fervently for the relief of your loved one.

2.  Just go for a walk once a day.  Okay.  In general, this is an awesome idea.  Sunlight and exercise help as does accomplishment.  The problem with this one is that the severely depressed person cannot do this.  At all.  To suggest they just go for a walk is like telling someone else to just go climb a mountain.  The depressed person often can barely get off their couch.  A walk is monumental.  And to the depressed ears, this sounds like “You are depressed because you are lazy.  If only you weren’t lazy, you wouldn’t be depressed.”

3.  Medications are an easy way out.  People are too unwilling to put in the hard work to get better, so they rely on medications.  Ummmm no.  The thing is that there is no easy way out of depression.  It requires strength and work.  And oftentimes, it absolutely requires medication.  Some people tend to associate antidepressants with weakness, assuming that people who depend on them are too weak and complacent to try anything else.

Depression has multiple causes.  It’s a complex disorder.  There is absolutely a chemical component in many instances.  Are antidepressants for everyone?  Nope.  Is it weak to need them?  It’s not any weaker than someone with cancer needing treatment.

When you negatively comment on medications, you are dissuading people from trying sometimes the one thing that will help them.  For many people, medication is what is needed to get people to a place where that other stuff would help.  Someone could theoretically run a marathon with 100 pounds strapped on their back.  But why would they?  Remove the barrier with medication, and oftentimes people are able to crawl out.

And by the way, antidepressants aren’t “happy pills.”  I hate that phrase.  No antidepressant has made me happy.  Antidepressants level the playing field, take away our disadvantages, and give us the opportunity to be who we really are.  They don’t change our personality.  They take away all that is blocking our personality.

4.  Just focus on the positive.  Be grateful.  Focus on joy.  This is the equivalent of telling a cancer patient to get rid of the cancer cells.  Depression is an inability to focus on the positive, to be grateful, and to experience joy.  To insist that someone just do these things while they are depressed is the equivalent of telling them to will their disorder away.

Getting out of my depression a few years back was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  In many ways, it was more difficult than tampering the anxiety that I have experienced for decades longer than the depression.  It takes courage every single day to get out of bed when you know what it is you have to face all day.

And it’s not always visible.  When I was my most depressed, people would tell me how I was always such a happy, positive presence.  For most of my life, people have been telling me how laid back I seem to be.  Depression is inside.  It doesn’t always alter the outside.

Depression is complex and icky and difficult and frustrating and sometimes invisible.  The number one thing a person can do is respond with compassion.  Listen.  Don’t try to fix things.  Let the person be who they are.  Love all of them.  Even the dark parts.  And pray desperately for healing and peace.  They are out there.