I have been exhausted lately. It’s easy to see why – three little girls to chase while entering the third trimester with number four.
Except I’m not sure exactly that’s why I’m exhausted. To be honest, I think it’s more a brain thing. And a fear thing. And an overstimulation thing. And a living in America in 2016 thing.
I get obsessive about things. This has its benefits and its drawbacks. But one thing is has taught me is to avoid too much tv. I can’t watch the news. CNN is my kriptonite. See television is different from other mediums – it’s too immediate. The emotions are too raw. The visions attack our senses whether we want them to or not. And I simply can’t let that into my home anymore. I haven’t in a long time.
But national news as of late has been too much to block out. The stakes are high. The players are real. Decisions have consequences.
And everything from local news to the presidential election feels historical. It feels like lines are being drawn. And I find it morally imperative to be on the right side of history.
Except that the world and history, especially as we are making it, aren’t black and white. It’s not right and wrong or us versus them or good versus bad. As much as some would like to make it as such.
It’s all more nuanced and complicated and tarnished than that.
And so instead of sitting here knitting baby hats and decorating a nursery, I find myself fretting over details, getting lost trying to make simple what is not simple. Terrified to wake up on day and realize that I had gotten it all wrong.
And I get so mad and so jealous of people who have righteous indignation on their side. I used to feel that same indignation. It fueled me. But now it just feels naive. And one sided. And corrosive.
And so I fear I’ll spend the next few months, lying in bed, sometimes metaphorically almost clinging to the bed as I try to stay balanced in a world that seems to have tipped off its axel. Wishing for sleep. Instead opening my eyes to a dark room in a dark world praying for light.