Insecurity

I went to Best Buy today to buy a new band for my Apple Watch.  It was a birthday present from my parents, and I had been looking forward to getting it for awhile.

I got over to the appropriate aisle, and I was pleased to find that there were more options available than I had anticipated, and I really liked some.

So I looked.  And I looked some more.  And then I looked some more.  I compared them, and I contrasted them.  I felt them.  I turned them upside down.  And I tried to imagine what they would look like attached to my watch which I had inconveniently forgotten at home.

And for the life of me, I could not make up my mind. 

I kept trying to figure out what statement each would make.  What would it say about me?  

Ultimately a saleswoman came over, and I finally decided to just purchase the one she liked best because I couldn’t figure out another way to make this decision.

I brought them home.  I tried them on.  And I promptly decided to return them.

And let me tell you, this is absolutely and completely not me.  I’m not indecisive.  In fact, I’m way too impulsive.  Ask anyone who has tried to go car or house shopping with me. I purchase based on feeling, and my feelings come instantaneously.

And I’ve found myself frustrated by this recent development.  And I realized that it’s appearing in other areas of my life.

I’ve been a mother for over eight years now.  I’m pretty darn imperfect at it.  But I’m also pretty aware of where my strengths and my weaknesses are.  This is nice as it leads to a bit of stability in my perception of myself.

But lately that’s been gone.  It’s been like day one again where I question everything and berate myself for every misstep.  The good things get lost as the more I focus on the bad, the more it grows.

And it’s been there in my interactions with the culture.  I see all of the philosophical battles raging.  And all for but one issue, my opinions have been pretty consistent since childhood.  In fact, I recently found an essay I wrote in sixth grade and I realized that my philosophies may have become more fine tuned and sophisticated, but my leanings have barely budged.

And I’ve never been ashamed of my opinions.  They’ve been based on my values, and I believe my values are solid even though I often fail to live up to them.

So why lately have I been ashamed of my opinions?  I’m not talking about political party or candidate.  I’m talking about specific positions on specific issues.  

I’m not questioning these positions.  I’m just no longer confident sharing them.  I might post something and then I’ll take it down, insecure about what reactions may come.  And the reactions aren’t from one specific group – I’m afraid of both ththe liberal and conservative.

And I’m 39 years old.  Shouldn’t this be past me?  Shouldn’t I finally have earned some sense of security in who I am?  At the very least, shouldn’t I be able to pick out a watch without worrying about what others may think?

My hope is that this is short lived.  

In the past when I would get really depressed, I would wake up from that depression feeling like the worst kind of blank slate.  It was as if everything I had known about myself had been destroyed in the tumult and I had to start again.

I haven’t been depressed, but I’ve had the roughest couple of weeks of my life.  Perhaps this is all just the fallout from that.

What do you think?  Do you ever experience seasons of insecurity? How do you bounce back?

About Amanda

I blog about deliberate, purposeful living and parenting. I'm a bit sappy. I mostly like to talk about ideas that inspire me to more effectively live and interact with the world around me. Sometimes I try to be funny, but there is a slight chance that I am the only one who actually gets my humor.
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