Feels Like Home

It was the type of morning that I don’t particularly look forward to.  It was dark and rainy.  The little kids kept telling me that I was tricking them by telling them it was morning because it was so dark.  In between the taunts, they took minuscule bites of their breakfast making the meal last approximately 75 hours.

We finally got to the point where we were ready to leave, and my dog kept trying to run outside.  She’s terrified of storms, and she refused to let me walk her this morning, so all I can think is that she was trying to come with us to school.  Mommy has a new minivan, so there’s a strict no dogs rule inside of it at the moment.

We ran to the car in the pouring rain as century old houses don’t have attached garages, and we sat in the driveway for awhile as Magoo tried to get Mae bucked in her car seat from the back seat so I wouldn’t have to stand out in the downpour and do it.

And then it was time to go, and I looked in my rearview mirror, and I saw the most amazing three little girls grinning back at me.  The rain had made the whole morning an adventure for them and despite the lallygagging, for the most part everyone was listening and things were smooth and calm.  I turned on the windshield wipers and sat in the driveway for just a moment letting the storm wrap all around us as we stayed dry and cozy in our car in the driveway.

After we dropped them off at school, I turned on the radio, and “The Cowboy Song” by Garth Brooks came on the radio.  This was always one of my favorite songs.  I had the following lyrics from it in a picture frame on my desk in grad school.

“So when you see that cowboy, he’s not ragged by his choice.  He never meant to bow them legs or put that gravel in his voice.  He’s just chasing what he really loves and what’s burning in his soul.  Wishing to God that he’d been born a hundred years ago.”

It’s clearly not one of his most well known songs.  And my life has never even remotely resembled that of a cowboy.  And yet of all the lyrics of all his songs, this is the one that perhaps has spoken to me the most for many years.

You see, as an adult I never felt like I fit in.  I never felt like I was on the same wave length as the rest of the world.  I always felt out of place, and I always had a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I was more suited to life one hundred or even two hundred years ago.

I guess that I always felt that I was running myself ragged trying to live my kind of life in a modern kind of world.  The two just didn’t feel very compatible.

Outward, I didn’t look any different, but on the inside, I just felt like my pieces didn’t quite fit the modern puzzle.

And so when I heard those lyrics, my heart would flutter.  I would have an actual, visceral reaction.  They almost gave me a high.

And so when the song came on this morning, I was quite excited.  I hushed Mae in the backseat as I anticipated the words.

But then they came on, and I didn’t react the same way I had years ago.  They were still beautiful and perhaps universal, but they no longer seemed to fit me.

And I realized that perhaps for the first time as an adult, I feel like I fit.  I don’t feel out of place.  Yes, there are things that I would gladly steal from centuries past.  I think we would all do better if we lived more in communion with each other as opposed to parallel or even against each other.  But besides that, I feel like this life fits me.

Perhaps it’s just a product of being in my late thirties.  Perhaps we have paid some of the dues required to live life more on our own terms.  Or perhaps I have just found my niche.

I just know that for most of my life, when I would think about the future, I would look forward to it with anticipation.  I would look forward to more schooling or advancement in my career or a more authentic feeling career.

But these days, I’m just content where I am.  I’m happy with my little (or getting biggish!) family.  I’m happy using what little brainpower I have left over writing my words.  I miss helping others with their words, but I know the time to do that will come again.  And I love that my main goals in life right now are to seek peace and fulfillment and holiness while leading my family by example and by teaching.

My job right now is to literally make myself the best version that I can be so I can model that to my girls.  It’s to help mold and nurture the best little people that ever happened to me.  It’s to take my husband’s hand and move us all into the future with all its doubts and uncertainties and promises and wishes.

Life is full of ups and downs.  I’ve learned this the hard way just like we all do.  I just feel blessed right now to be in this phase of life with these people surrounded by the love and community we find all around us.

I pray that we all have moments and days and maybe even years like this.  Where life just feels right and we just seem to fit.

And since the title of this post just happens to be the title of our wedding song, I figured I would attach it for you all.  Complete with video from the movie, The Notebook.  Because as much as I might try to deny it, I really am just a sixteen year old girl at heart when it comes to movies.