I have been feeling really discouraged lately.
As a mom, I try really hard to respect my children. When they are excited, I try to share in it. When they are acting difficult, I try to figure out what is behind it. When they are sad, I try to validate those feelings and help them find a way out it. And when they get scared, I try to accept it.
In other words, I have good intentions. But like the cliche reminds me, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
But I have just had zero patience lately.
I’m not a yeller. I sometimes find myself sounding irritated or shocked or annoyed, but in seven years of parenting, I haven’t found myself yelling very often.
Until recently.
And to be fair to myself, children in this house have not been so great at acting respectfully and according to our rules and expectations.
They have been jumping on furniture which is not allowed, and they have continued to do it after being asked to stop.
They have been fighting with each other.
They have been having meltdowns whenever they hear the word “no” or “wait a minute.”
They have been screeching when they get angry instead of using their words to express their emotions.
And at times, there has been some behavior that is less than honest.
And I get it — I have two toddlers, and toddlers aren’t known for expressing their emotions in a calm and socially appropriate manner.
And I always try to be cognizant of that. I try not to expect more of them than they are developmentally capable of. I try to show them grace even as I stay strong in my expectations.
But lately, I feel like something in me has broke. I feel like I’ve gone too long without a real break, and because of that the chaos inside my head is too strong to allow me to effectively deal with the chaos in my world.
But they don’t deserve my lack of patience… even if they don’t really seem cognizant of it.
It makes me feel horrible and out of control.
And in the background of all of this, I am constantly reminding myself that this day will never come again. They will never be exactly these ages and at exactly these stages of development again. And that just makes me feel worse — I only have one chance to get it right, and lately I feel like I’ve been getting it all wrong.
I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to give something that I don’t have.
I don’t know how to be better.
But I really, really wish I did.