Boundaries

I’ve had the hardest time writing this post tonight.  I’ve known what it is that I’ve wanted to write, and yet every time it comes out, it sounds more like an essay or a dissertation rather than my own, very personal thoughts.  And so I will try it again.  I write not so other people will understand me, but so that I will better understand myself.  And so it’s really frustrating when I struggle with writing because it feels like I am struggling with myself.

But the issue of boundaries has been on my mind lately.  Out of all of the words in the English language, perhaps that is the one that gives me the most difficulty – understanding where my responsibility ends and another’s begins.

I have been blessed in my life with a great many people who have been with me for ages.  Besides my family who will obviously be with me until the end, I have quite a few friends who I have had the pleasure of knowing for decades in some cases.  These people don’t give me the problems.  The ones that still trouble me are the ones who are gone – either because of my will or their own.

And I think a lot of that has to do with boundaries.  How much responsibility do we take for another person’s well being and feelings?  And perhaps more important, how much responsibility do we take for our own?

Somewhere deeply embedded in the psyche of many  of us is the desire for empathy and the strongly held belief in its importance.  We are taught to be kind, empathetic, and compassionate, and we also know how important these traits are – how important it is that we show them and how important it is that we are shown them.  Empathy and compassion are what bridge the gap from one person to the next.  Since we cannot physically be connected to each other, we must rely on these emotional skills to bring us in communion with another.

But what happens when we show those traits in inappropriate situations or when they are taken and twisted and used in an effort to manipulate us?

The downside of compassion and empathy are that they can turn against us if we show them in relationships where they are not respected.  If we spend our emotional energy being understanding of other people and giving concessions to people and that is never recognized, our relationship quickly turns into one of manipulation and control.

This is what has happened to me in multiple situations.  I will try to give people concessions and understand that they are coming from different emotional places from myself, but it can be a slippery slope because it tends to make me feel like I owe this to the other person.  It can make me feel like I am responsible for the emotional well being of another person.

But that can’t ever be the case.  I am always responsible for my actions and the kindness I show to another, but I am never responsible for their emotional well being.  And sometimes, my definition of kindness will differ from their own, and that is fine.

If that isn’t a hard lesson to learn, then I don’t know what is.

But there’s another side to that token, and it can be incredibly liberating.  Just as I’m not responsible for the feelings of another, no one is responsible for my feelings.  People aren’t required to make me feel good.  They need to be respectful, but feeling good is solely my responsibility.

And perhaps that’s the key to harmonious relationships – taking care of what we control and giving to others what they control.

I can’t control how another person reacts.  I can’t make people treat me with respect.  And I can’t hold others responsible for how I feel.  In other words, we need to tend to our own yards.  Own what belongs to us and let go that which doesn’t.

And then we can be free to be in relationships because we choose them rather than because we feel obligated.

There’s that saying, “If you love something let it go; if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.”  It’s a hard idea to live by because it requires us to acknowledge that no one owes us anything.  But when we are able to let go like that, then we can live in the peace and joy that comes from knowing that people are with us because they love us, not because they feel obligated.

The greatest blessing isn’t to be needed – it is to be wanted.  And we can never truly be wanted until a person knows they can live without us.

So did I make sense?  Who knows.  I hope so.  Sometimes the ideas that mean the most to me are the hardest to put into words.