I used to love blogging. It used to be my lifeline. I used to get almost a high from writing my feelings and thoughts out and sharing them with people. For me, it was a lesson in existing. It helped me realize that my opinions were valid and that the world wouldn’t shatter if I shared them.
It was liberating.
Lately though, it hasn’t felt like that. Lately I’ve been really anxious for a day or two after I publish a post. All I can think of is all of the readers out there taking my words and analyzing them and rejecting them.
See there’s this nasty thing about writers — we have almost a compulsion to share our words and ideas and yet we are often way more sensitive to criticism and rejection than your average person. It’s a tough place to be.
And obviously our current climate doesn’t help anything. A climate where everyone is sitting there waiting to jump on someone for expressing any opinion that differs from theirs. A world where we no longer prioritize respect and we strive to gain respect by demonizing the other side.
It’s ugly. It’s all so ugly. And writing makes me feel like I’m smack dab in the middle of it.
A few years ago I followed a well-known blog that I loved. I looked forward to reading what the writer had to say and the glimpses into her life that she offered. But then slowly she stopped. Instead of posting her thoughts, she was just posting recipes and reviews and random pictures of her life.
Eventually she came on and wrote about how she stepped back because she couldn’t stand the stress of the rejection and the criticism. At the time I thought it was so sad that she stepped back from her passion because of what others said.
But now I think I understand.
To me, the only good writing is honest writing. It seems pointless to share something that isn’t real, and it’s really only the most raw writing that appeals to people. We all want to see our reality in someone else, and that’s usually only possible when we share the parts that the world doesn’t often see.
But it’s hard. It’s so darn hard.
I keep thinking back to that other blog, and I don’t want to go the direction she went. I don’t want to give it up because it got too hard. And honestly I don’t feel like I have that luxury because writing is the only thing that keeps me sane.
But somehow I have to figure out some way to make it work. Perhaps instant publishing writing isn’t the direction for me. Then again, I just renewed my domain name for another year.