Back at One

I realized today that I have ended up back in very familiar terrain — the junction where functioning meets depressed. The scale has not tipped yet, so I still have control over which way it goes.

In a way, I think I should consider this a sign of progress because for possibly the first time, I see that the “rut” I’m in isn’t fatigue or laziness. It’s the start of depression.

I realized today that perhaps it’s just not normal to want to hide in bed all day with the covers over your head. I also realized today that there is probably something I can do about it. And that’s where the progress comes in.

I have spent many a year in therapy trying to overcome anxiety and depression, and I have learned that surely I have the tools to get out of it (or at least manage it) if I use them and believe in them. That’s the hard part — the believing.

And so today I will take a risk and make a commitment, not just to myself but to the entire blogosphere (all 0.0 of you reading this.) Tomorrow when I wake up, I will accomplish something. I will clean up our breakfast dishes and I will make our beds, and before the girls go down for a nap, I will clean up my downstairs (ground zero.)

That probably doesn’t sound like a lot, and in the years when I was in grad school and working two jobs while planning a wedding, making my bed surely wouldn’t count for much, but I am taking the babiest of steps because it will help me. And i deserve it. And I will get out of this.

And so while I feel like I am back at square one, perhaps I’m not. Perhaps the funny thing about square one is that once we realize we are there, we are no longer there.